Saving Private Marky Or: Men Without Honor
by Shelby
Summary: Angel decides that Marky needs somebody to huggle. So he hatches a plan to...what else? Set him up with somebody! Dedicated to BearFeetz...^_^
1. Angel of the Battlefield

A.N.: Whee! Okay, so this has been in my brain forEVER. And now, I have a chance to write it. There IS another fic on the way.maybe.a serious one called "Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails." But that one may be a little while still.(sorry Rach!)  
  
"Men," Angel paced the loft's "living room" (aka: practically-the-entire- thing), his arms folded behind his back in a militant fashion, his face deadly grim. He turned to face Mimi, "Women," then turned his head again to look at Maureen and Joanne, "and Lesbians. I have gathered you all here today to discuss a matter of dire importance."  
  
Angel paused for dramatic effect. The others were crowded on the sofas and sitting on the floor. Everyone was there, except for Mark.  
  
"That matter is Mark."  
  
Another dramatic pause.  
  
"As we all know, Mark is the only one of us not currently in a steady relationship. Roger and Mimi. Maureen and Joanne. Me and Collins." He tilted his head to the side and grinned at Collins. The teacher smiled back, but looked perplexed.  
  
Roger leaned into Collins and whispered: "um.do you know what he's up to?"  
  
"Not a clue in the world," Collins said, still trying to smile and only managing to look somewhat deranged.  
  
"Oh boy."  
  
"Ahem!" Angel cleared his throat, and looked at Roger. "As I was saying, Mark is the only person who doesn't have a partner."  
  
"That's because Mark doesn't want one," Maureen said, shifted so that she could put her feet up in Joanne's lap. "Plus, nobody wants to approach him because they can't tell if he's gay or straight."  
  
"Well," Angel shrugged, "Roger. You're his best friend. Which one is he?"  
  
"I don't know! He went out with Maureen, so, I guess he's straight."  
  
"Then again," Mimi nodded, "Maureen could have turned him gay."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"I'm not saying that's a bad thing! Mark might have turned you lesbian."  
  
"That's true," Maureen leaned back, and seemed to ponder this for a little bit. "That's definitely true.Plus, then, if I turned him gay, I could potentially take the credit for any successful hookups he makes, seeing as how if it weren't for me he wouldn't be looking for a guy anyway."  
  
"But what if he ends up hooking up with a girl?"  
  
"Then we'll applaud Maureen for setting extraordinarily low standards." Collins reached over to clap her on the back.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"PEOPLE!" Angel waved his arms around, "We are getting off topic. Since Mark is so obviously lonely, I feel it is our solemn duty as his friends to help him through this difficult time."  
  
"Which means what?"  
  
"We find Mark a girlfriend.or boyfriend."  
  
"No. No no no no no no no no no no no no no." Collins stood up, crossing his hands back and forth in an obvious negative gesture. "No no no. We are not going to get involved in poor Mark's love life. We are not going to try and set him up, we are not going to put that poor boy through that."  
  
"Oh, Collins, sit down." Angel rolled his eyes, "Mark wants this."  
  
"Did he tell you that?"  
  
".No."  
  
"Well then-"  
  
"Bababababa!" Angel shook his head. "I know this is what he wants."  
  
Maureen raised her hand.  
  
"Yes Maureen?"  
  
"I think that if we're going to set him up, he's got to get some sort of makeover. I mean, he's cute, in a depressing-artisty-mussy sort of way.but.well, he's not particularly eye catching or anything."  
  
"We're not gonna set him up!"  
  
Angel chose to ignore Collins' protests, and smiled knowingly at Maureen, then at the rest of them. The others were nodding and murmuring in agreement with Maureen.  
  
"That, my dear friends, is exactly why I decided to call in the Calvary."  
  
Collins' face paled. "Jesus Christ Angel, not them." 


	2. The Calvary

A.N.: Hello! I have the second chapter up! I'm so good! I'm so wonderful! I'm so.very very modest! Thanks to all who have been kind enough to review. ^_^  
  
BearFeetz-Yeah, I kinda forgot about that one too. Heh heh. It's kinda sad when a writer forgets about her own story. But I promise I'll be working on it! What? You haven't guessed who the Calvary are? ::grin::  
  
--  
  
"Then?" Maureen sat up straighter and looked around, "who's them?"  
  
"'Them' are my secret weapons. 'Them' will take Marky and help him look-and act-fabulous!"  
  
"I don't think Mark wants to look 'fabulous' dearest," Collins pinched the top of his nose.  
  
"I love how you guys have those sweet names for each other," Mimi sighed, then elbowed a distracted Roger in the groin, "Roger never calls me dearest!"  
  
Roger was rendered unable to talk-he winced instead and pulled his knees up to his chest.  
  
"Oh no honey," Angel waved his hand, "Collins only calls me dearest when he's aggravated at me-poor honey's probably getting a migraine huh?" He patted Collins on the shoulder, pouting indulgently. "But don't you worry, just sit back and relax. I'll do the thinking for both of us on this one!"  
  
"D'ya think his head'll explode?" Maureen whispered loudly to Joanne. The lawyer just elbowed her lightly.  
  
"Pookie!"  
  
"So, wait," Roger had finally regained some semblance of a voice, and was looking at Mimi apprehensively, "Who's 'Them' again?"  
  
Angel rolled his eyes, but before he could say anything, Collins interjected quickly:  
  
"The reason aspirin was invented."  
  
"Collins! You be nice!" Angel shot his a look, met Mimi's knowing gaze and smiled ruefully, then patted a wrinkle from the shoulder of his shirt. "'Them' are just a few of my friends. Don't you listen to Collins, he's suffering from inclarity of thought due to headache." Angel led Collins to the couch, where the professor sat down next to Joanne.  
  
They exchanged mutually sympathetic looks, before Joanne pulle da box out of her purse, and handed it to Collins. "Extra-strength Tylenol migraine. Take as many as you need."  
  
Collins looked at the side of the box. Recommended amount: 2. He shook three out and swallowed them dry.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Not a problem."  
  
"Now, where are they?" Angel looked at his watch, then back towards the door. "I told them specifically two o'clock!"  
  
As if by some miraculous cue, there was a bang on the door, and the creaking of steps outside the loft.  
  
Collins wondered how many Tylenol he could take before passing out. Then he wondered if passing out wasn't preferable.  
  
"Well finally!" Angel huffed, and stomped to open the door. "Two o'clock! I told you two o'clock!"  
  
The others strained their ears to hear, and were greeted with a distinctly Russian accent. "I had to take shower."  
  
"IT DOESN'T TAKE FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TO TAKE A SHOWER!"  
  
This time, it was a second voice. "I does when he's got to bring somebody with him."  
  
Somebody giggled.  
  
"Hello!" Maureen called, "Bring them in Angel! We want to meet the Calvary!"  
  
"Okay, okay," Angel made a motion towards the group behind him.  
  
There was a tall, gorgeous one with dark hair, with a petite blonde (who looked, Maureen thought with a purr, like he could be a candidate for Gay Playboy Bunny of the Year) draped over him. Next to them was one with reddish, spiky hair, an Asian fellow, and twins.  
  
And they were all absolutely delicious looking. Maureen fought back the urge to squeal.  
  
"Ooh," she walked over and stood in front of them. "So many pretty boys, so little time!"  
  
"Sorry sweetheart," the Asian shook his head, "strictly DC."  
  
"Really?" She pouted. "All of you?"  
  
The group nodded.  
  
"What's DC?" Joanne looked a little perplexed.  
  
Roger made an O with his right forefinger and thumb, then stuck his left forefinger through it. "That's AC, alternate current." Then he took both forefingers and pressed the tips together, "That's DC, direct current."  
  
Joanne made a face. "You could have just said you were gay."  
  
Angel was still ranting. It was doubtful if he'd noticed the conversation at all. "And what if Mark had gotten here before you guys? What if he figured out what was going on?"  
  
"And what if UFO landed and abducted you all while we weren't here!" The tall Russian waved his hands melodramatically, a cruel imitation of Angel.  
  
"Wow, that would bite," the blonde curled his upper lip.  
  
"Shelby," The Russian (who's name was Sasha) planted a kiss on the blonde's ear, "you're cuter when you stay quiet."  
  
"That's mean," Mimi raised her eyebrow.  
  
"Honey," Roger wrapped his arms around her waist and snuggled her closer, "you're cuter when you stay quiet."  
  
Mimi delivered another painful blow to the resting place of Roger's shortest appendage.  
  
"You just can't take a joke!" He wheezed.  
  
"You just can't take a hint, honey."  
  
Angel was seething, "CEASE AND DESIST!!"  
  
The room got very silent.  
  
"I WANT YOU ALL BACK IN YOU'RE APPOINTED POSITIONS!" He waved his arms. Those people who were already seated rearranged themselves back in their original places. "Now, Sasha, you sit there, Shelby, you can sit next to him."  
  
He pointed to a place by the wall.  
  
"Measha," he turned to the spiky-haired one, "and Lee," he pointed to the Asian, "there on the couch next to Roger and Mimi. Cor and Cal, you guys can sit on the folding chairs by the lamp." The twins sat down on the metal chairs.  
  
"Now," Angel made a dramatic gesture to wipe the sweat from his brow. "Back to the point. Mark. Mark, to fill you guy sin, needs a girlfriend. He's lonely, because he's the only one of us who doesn't have one."  
  
Shelby raised his hand.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I don't have a girlfriend."  
  
"Well, yes Shelby." Angel rolled his eyes. "We know you don't have a girlfriend." He sighed. "I mean that Mark's the only single one."  
  
"Hey!" Measha yelped, "I'm single!"  
  
"You guys don't count!"  
  
"Well geez," Measha sniffed dramatically, "I don't count to anybody!"  
  
"You mean you guys," Joanne motioned to him and Lee, "aren't together?"  
  
"Absolutely not!" Lee hissed reproachfully.  
  
"He's a stuck up prick." Measha nodded his head.  
  
"Oh, but Measha!" Sasha wailed, "I thought I was the only prick in your life!"  
  
"AHEM!" Angel stomped his feet.  
  
"Drag queen's gonna pop," Sasha grumbled. Shelby giggled. Roger barked a laugh.  
  
Collins slowly kneaded the spot right in between his eyebrows.  
  
Sasha raised his hand.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Did you ask Mark if he wanted to be set up with somebody?"  
  
"No," Angel rolled his eyes, "But I know-"  
  
"Nope. Nuh-uh," Sasha started to climb up from behind Shelby. "I am not getting involved in one of your half-assed schemes to set a friend up! I've been on both sides of that board, thank you very much."  
  
"SASHA!" Angel very nearly screeched. "Mark is lonely! I know it! I'm just doing him a favor! Pleeeeeeeeease?!"  
  
Sasha leaned against the wall, with his arms folded, and gave Angel a look.  
  
"Please please please please please please please please?!"  
  
"That doesn't work," Measha tapped Angel on the shoulder.  
  
"Sure it does," Shelby grinned.  
  
"Well fine then," Angel spread his arms out, "Be my guest Shelby. Go ahead and convince him."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Sasha's eyes widened, and then he broke into a trot for the door. Shelby chased him.  
  
"Alright alright alright," Joanne held up her hands. "We are poorly unorganized. First, what are our objectives."  
  
"Three objectives. One: Make Mark dateworthy. Two: Get him a date. Three: Make sure the relationship lasts-preferably involving sex. A boy that deprived just makes me sad."  
  
Joanne was writing it all down on a legal pad.  
  
"How long's it been?" Cor asked.  
  
"A couple months."  
  
Almost everybody in the room hissed.  
  
"Jesus Christ!"  
  
"Holy shit!" Measha yelped, and laughed. He turned to Lee. "Could you imagine Sasha trying to go for a couple of months without getting any?"  
  
Angel nudged Collins. "We went for a week once."  
  
"I remember that," Mimi rolled her eyes, "That was a scary thing." She poked Collins on the arm, and made large doe eyes at him. "Collins, you want some watermelon?"  
  
"Hey!" He batted her hand away, chuckling a little; "you leave me out of this."  
  
"Scary.oh boy. You don't know scary." Lee sighed. "Shelby decided that maybe abstinence for a little bit would teach Sasha a lesson. The dude flipped. Got through about a day, maybe, before he was threatening to throw Shelby out."  
  
"I knew that was how Shelby got around paying his par of the rent every month!" Measha pumped his fist up in the air.  
  
Joanne's eyes widened. Maureen squealed like a girl who heard a dirty secret. "Wow.Pookie'd never do that to me, right?"  
  
Joanne just raised her eyebrow and smiled secretively. "Maybe."  
  
"I should hit you," Maureen pouted, but she couldn't up but smile a little back. "Hard."  
  
"I didn't know lesbians were into all that kind of stuff." Measha looked almost comically interested.  
  
Maureen leaned over the arm of the couch, and looked at Measha. She batted her eyes a little bit. Oh, he was cute. They were all cute.  
  
She wondered how he'd feel about a threesome. Or maybe more, if she could get the Russian and the blonde in on it.She was sure the former wouldn't mind.  
  
"Maureen! Earth to Maureen!" Joanne poked her back.  
  
Maureen made it a mental note to bring it up later. 


	3. Operation: Custer

A.N.: I realize, ::embarrassed blush:: that in the last chapter I forgot to make the note I meant to about a reference in the story. ^_^ Luckily, people seemed to get it. When Angel and Collins' week without sex is mentioned, it is a reference to the unmatchable BearFeetz's fanfic, "The Bet." I encourage all to go read, it is easily one of the most hilarious RENTfics out there.  
  
I'm being pretty good about these chapter things!  
  
--  
  
Angel talked, Joanne diligently took notes, (adding her own editorial comments next to the ideas as she saw fit), and the conversation had been successfully turned back in the direction of Mark's plight.  
  
Sasha had come back, looking none-to-pleased with Angel. Shelby'd reappeared not far behind, looking flushed and rubbing his wrists, mumbling something along the lines of "damn handcuffs."  
  
For the most part, they all chose to ignore the obvious implications. Maureen perked up, an seemed infinitely more interested in how Shelby had convinced Sasha to stay than finding a lover for Mark.  
  
"So, is that it?" Joanne looked up from her writing, peering at Angel over the reading glasses she had put on.  
  
"Just about. Divide and conquer. Nobody makes a move with Mark until after we've got at least three dates secure and ready. Maureen, Mimi, that's your job. Collins and Joanne, you'll find a place for them to go. Sasha, Shelby, Measha, Lee-you guys are going to fix Mark's image."  
  
"What about us?" Cor gestured between him and Cal.  
  
"You two will be helping me."  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"Roger, you will be helping me also. We're on discussion committee. We've got to come up with non-boring topics for Mark and his dates to talk about."  
  
"Unless that includes filmmaking and/or the top films of the last six centuries, Mark's a no-go." Roger absently pulled a piece of stray hair from off the back of Mimi's shirt.  
  
"Again with the hair!" Mimi batted his hand away, half-joking. "He's always spazzing about my shedding. I think he's some sort of closet neat freak or something."  
  
"Chalk it up as Angel's next project: 'Roger the neat freak: Coming out of the janitor's closet.'" Maureen waved her hand in front of her face in a fan-like gesture. "Oh, Roger, clean men always turn me on."  
  
"Where did you send Mark anyway?" Mimi looked at Angel, and soon the rest were too.  
  
"I bought him a ticket to see an all-night independent film festival."  
  
"Brilliant!" Maureen clapped her hands. "He'll be there all night!"  
  
"That's usually the point of those 'all-night film festivals.'" Lee rolled his eyes.  
  
"Well, yes." Maureen sat back and crossed her arms over her chest. "Unless he doesn't like it. Then he might leave."  
  
"Or gloat over the fact that he could probably do better than they could." Roger brushed another piece of hair off of Mimi's collar.  
  
"Roger."  
  
"Sorry, sorry." He held up his hands.  
  
The sun had long since dipped below the window-horizon, and it had gotten very dark and rather late. Shelby's head was lolling sleepily on Sasha's shoulder, his eyes falling closed, then jerking open again, before fluttering back down to once again restart the cycle.  
  
"Okay, well," Angel clapped his palms together, "I think we've got ourselves a plan. And it goes into action at 800 hours tomorrow.  
  
"800 hours?" Shelby mumbled, "I thought it only went up to 24."  
  
"That's military time," Sasha shook his head in indulgent exasperation.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Oh," Sasha rolled his eyes. "Alright, time to go." He stood up, and hoisted the blonde up in his arms. Measha took the cue and stood, followed by Lee. Cor and Cal had already made it to the door.  
  
"It was nice meeting you guys," Joanne called. They smiled and wished the loft-livers goodnight, before opening the door and getting ready to leave.  
  
"Wait!" Mimi yelled, suddenly, and everyone stopped to look at her. "We need a code name, you know, like 'Operation: Rolling Thunder' or something."  
  
"How about Operation: Custer's," Collins mumbled, before standing up to join Angel behind the couch as he prepared to leave. "It'll end the same." 


	4. Well? What do you think?

A.N.: Okay, so I'm a little late for this one. Sorry. ^_^  
  
--  
  
"So, what do you think?"  
  
"I think you should have less clothes on."  
  
".Okay. But first we talk."  
  
"I hate talking."  
  
"So. Maybe I hate fucking."  
  
"Maybe you do. Except you don't. I know this for a fact."  
  
"No you don't!"  
  
"Yes I do. I know everything."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"Alright, fine, don't believe me."  
  
"So what do you think?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About this whole thing. Angel's idea for Mark."  
  
"I think he's a fucking idiot."  
  
"That's not a nice thing to say about your best friend."  
  
"He's not my best friend. He got demoted when he dumped me for Collins."  
  
"Who's your best friend then? Me?"  
  
"Absolutely not."  
  
"Who then?"  
  
"Measha. Stupid."  
  
"You know, just for that, I'm putting back on my clothes."  
  
"You do and you're sleeping outside."  
  
"You'd think I was some sort of dog."  
  
Sasha rolled on his back. Stared at the ceiling, then glanced over at Shelby. Said Shelby was glaring at him in a rather petulant manner. Sasha thought it was irresistibly cute.  
  
"So you don't think it's a good idea?" Shelby leaned forward on his elbows.  
  
"No, I don't think it's a good idea."  
  
"Has Angel ever tried to set you up with anybody?"  
  
"Angel has messed around with my personal life so much, there was a point where I wondered if it was even mine anymore."  
  
Shelby giggled, and rolled over so that he was lying horizontally to Sasha, his head on the older man's stomach. "You're kidding."  
  
"No, I'm not kidding."  
  
"Did Measha ever try?"  
  
"No, Measha stays out of my private life." Sasha dug in the pocket of his jeans for a smoke. "That's why I like him better than Angel."  
  
"That's not a nice thing to say."  
  
"Oh well. It's true."  
  
"But you'll still go through with Angel's plan?"  
  
"Hey, all I've got to do is fix this guy up, make him look good. It's not my life Angel's ruining. Not this time, anyway."  
  
"Angel never ruined your life." Shelby plucked the cigarette from Sasha's fingers and threw it in the trash. "I did."  
  
"That's right. You lousy moocher." Sasha pulled out another cigarette. Shelby took it from him, and threw it in the trashcan.  
  
"I do my share around here." Pluck, toss, yet another ring as the third cigarette hit the trashcan.  
  
"Damnit, would you stop that?"  
  
--  
  
"So?"  
  
"So what?"  
  
"So, aren't you gonna yell at me for getting involved in Mark's personal life?"  
  
"Darling I never yell at you, I chastise you."  
  
"Oh cut the MIT shit and get the lecture over with."  
  
"No lecture. I'm letting you take the fall for this one, I won't berate you."  
  
"You sure?" Angel tilted his head to the side, peered at Collins. Collins' eyes were shut, he was lying on his back, seeming going to sleep. "Because if you start giving me snide little comments tomorrow at breakfast I'll break the milk jug over your head."  
  
"Angel, love, I promise." Collins kissed him. "Now go to sleep. It's really late."  
  
"Actually, it's early."  
  
"Details details details."  
  
"Well, you always say that details are the most important thing in a well thought out plot."  
  
"Plan. Not plot. Plan."  
  
"Same thing."  
  
"No. Not the same thing. I plan. You plot."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Never mind. Just, oh geez, just go to sleep. I've got a headache."  
  
"Poor Tommy boy," Angel leaned over, and kissed the side of his face. "Maybe you should let me make it better."  
  
"What, you're gonna set me up with somebody?"  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Angel laughed, and bit him on the shoulder.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"You deserved that."  
  
--  
  
"Mimi?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because it's fucking BRUISED!"  
  
"Well who's fault is that?"  
  
"Yours."  
  
--  
  
"Mo?"  
  
*snore*  
  
"Maureen.?"  
  
*snore*  
  
"Hm."  
  
Joanne smiled, and slid out of bed. Tiptoeing towards the closet, she opened the door and pulled out a book.  
  
"Harry Potter and the Order of Pheonix, here I come."  
  
--  
  
"I think Angel's crazy, don't you?"  
  
Measha leaned on his elbows, looking at Lee. Lee turned, and nodded.  
  
"Damn straight-Measha! What the hell are you doing in my room?! In my BED?!"  
  
"Everybody else was doing it." 


	5. BroodyMark Stance

A.N.: It's 4:15 already. You know what you gotta do? You gotta get up, and drive me, to the bagel store! You know why? 'Cause I need a bagel. You know I need a bagel.  
  
Anybody who got the reference I will give a virtual donut to.  
  
I am so proud of myself right now.  
  
--  
  
Mark was sorely perplexed when he got home. There were cups laying around the living room, and blankets tossed halfhazardly across the couches.  
  
They had had some sort of party. Without him. In fact, they had chased him out.  
  
Somewhere between being overly-tired and hopped up on caffeine, he got angry. So storming into the kitchen, he sat on the stool and stared moodily at the table.  
  
How dare they!  
  
He'd been sitting in the same position for close to half and hour when Mimi finally walked in. This made Mark glad, because he'd been sitting there hoping someone would come in and ask him what was wrong so he could yell at them. If she hadn't come in, he would have finally just given up, and then his big dramatic moment would have been ruined.  
  
Plus, he was getting a crick in his neck.  
  
"Good morning Mark."  
  
Mark looked up. Mimi didn't seem to be paying much attention to his broody- Mark stance.  
  
"Good morning Mimi."  
  
Mimi got up and rummaged through the cupboards. She continued to not notice his broody-Mark stance.  
  
"I said, good morning."  
  
"I heard you." She didn't look at him.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well what?" Mimi pulled out a green bagel, held it to her nose, then turned to Mark. "Is this a spinach bagel, or is it just moldy?"  
  
"I think-I think it's a spinach bagel." Even though Mark knew perfectly well that that particular bagel was over three months old. Collins and Roger had a running bet of how long it would last before going squishy.  
  
"Oh, ok." Mimi took a large bite out of it. She paused, chewed thoughtfully, then swallowed. "No, I think you're wrong Mark. It's moldy." She nodded, then took another bite as she walked out of the kitchen and into the adjoining den where the couches were. There she sat down, drew her knees up to her chest, and flipped through a magazine while periodically taking bites from the moldy bagel she held in her hand.  
  
Roger shuffled out from the hall, and looked at Mimi. "Mimi! You're eating our bet!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's our moldy bagel!"  
  
"What, is this your sick repressed mind trying to make up for some kids we'll never have or something?"  
  
"No, I mean, it's Collins' and mine's bagel."  
  
".Roger, does Angel know that you and Collins have a bagel together?"  
  
"Mimi! We had a bet on how long before it went squishy."  
  
"Well, how old is it?"  
  
"About three months."  
  
"Who had three months?"  
  
"Collins."  
  
"Collins won."  
  
"Wait, you know it's a moldy-now-squishy bagel and you're still eating it?"  
  
"Wouldn't you?"  
  
"You're sick."  
  
"And you're cruising for another elbow in the groin."  
  
Roger rolled his eyes, cast another wary look at the bagel, and sat down on the couch.  
  
"AHEM!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, hey Mark. How was the festival?"  
  
"Fine." Mark sulked visibly. "What did you guys do?"  
  
"Nothing much. Sat around. It was a pretty quiet evening."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure." Mark hissed, and stood up-ready to make his dramatic exit. He tripped over the chair leg.  
  
"You okay man?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, I'm fine! Perfectly fine! So fine, in fact, that I'm going to go outside and be fine there! Keep my fineness away from all the unfine people here!"  
  
Roger and Mimi looked at each other, then shrugged. "Whatever. Okay. See you later Mark."  
  
"Good bye."  
  
--  
  
Cor and Cal were walking through the mass of people, talking quietly with their heads bent towards each other. Quite a few people crossed to the other side of the street or made exaggeratedly disgusted gestures at their twined hands and close proximity.  
  
Another pair of gay men passed by them, and one leaned over to talk to the other, while looking at Cor and Cal with furtive, unnerved glances.  
  
"They're, like, twins."  
  
Cor and Cal, of course, heard this, and smiled secretly at each other, before Cor proclaimed rather loudly: "We're cousins you dumb shit."  
  
Cal jabbed him in the ribs.  
  
In their distraction, they were caught off guard as a guy walking fast- hunched over with his hands shoved deep into his pockets-moved past them, knocking into Cal.  
  
The guy turned sharply, and looked at them apologetically. "I'm sorry-I didn't mean-are you okay?" He had blonde hair, glasses, and slightly unnerved look. Cor thought he looked a little bit like one of those Trekkies.  
  
"I'm fine, don't worry about it," Cal smiled, and held up his hands. "No problem."  
  
"'Kay, I was just-geez, I usually don't run into people like that. I'm just, and little peeved, that's all. I'm sorry."  
  
"Hey, it's no big deal." Cal touched one hand to his slightly piece-y auburn hair, and smiled. "See? Not a hair out of place."  
  
"Hey," the guy looked between the two of them, "are you guys-I mean, are you.twins?"  
  
"Not exactly," Cor flashed a grin of nearly identical proportion to Cal's. "But there is an uncanny resemblance, isn't there?"  
  
"Hell yeah." The blonde nodded, and brushed stray piece of dirt off his pants self-consciously. The two were almost immaculately dressed in jeans and tight sleeveless shirts. The two were not unaware of the jealousy their conversant harbored for the chiseled muscles they both possessed.  
  
"Well," Cal held out his hand, "I'm Cal. This is Cor."  
  
"Nice to meet you. I'm Mark."  
  
"Well, nice to meet you too Mark." Cor shook his hand, and motioned to him and Cal. "You wanna walk with us?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, why? You sure you wanna be seen with me?"  
  
"Hey, sure." Cal smiled. "People already suspect us of homosexuality and incest, why not add unnatural threesomes to the list?"  
  
Mark looked horrified, but Cor only laughed, slapped Cal on the shoulder, and they made their way continuing down the crowded street. 


	6. The Escapades: Part I

A.N.: Okay, a little slower coming with this chapter. I apologize. ^_^ I just recently RESTARTED Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails, and am in the process of revamping the whole thing. Plus, got two novels, and a comic, and.my life has been hectic. I will attempt to be better.  
  
Did anybody get the Bagel reference? FOAMY THE SQUIRREL RULES!!!  
  
"A date. For Marky."  
  
Maureen stretched her arms up over her head, and looked over at Mimi. "Do you have any idea where we're supposed to find this guy a date?"  
  
"Honestly?" Mimi looked at her, "not a fucking clue."  
  
They walked. Sufficiently perplexed.  
  
"Well, you dated him. What kinda girls does he like?"  
  
"I dunno." Maureen shrugged. "Girls like me?"  
  
"Does that mean we've gotta walk all around New York City trying to find prostitutes? 'Cause I wore heels."  
  
"Oh, like you can talk!" Maureen smacked her on the shoulder, laughed. Mimi bared a toothy grin. "Maybe we should stop by your work."  
  
"Marky dserves a little better than some exotic dancer."  
  
"Hey, you never know. There must be a few good matches there. Look at you and Roger."  
  
Mimi deadpanned at Maureen.  
  
"Look, you know more about dating chicks than I do. What kind of girls do you like?"  
  
"Hm." Maureen placed a finger to her lips, and looked contemplative. Mimi seriously doubted if much thinking ever went on in that head.  
  
"Feel free to stop if it starts to hurt."  
  
"Huh?" Mo scratched the back of her head, and then stopped. "That's it!"  
  
"That's what?"  
  
"You know that place? The one.oh, geez, it's, like," Maureen gestured her hands in frustration, "that way. The video store, the one that only sells independent films. Maybe there's a girl working there."  
  
"A girl who likes filmmaking," Mimi nodded her head. "I think you're on to something. Definitely."  
  
"Okay, so onward to-" Maureen pointed her finger east, and then stopped, "um.I don't remember the name of the store."  
  
"Neither do I." Mimi ran her tongue over her teeth. "But I know what it looks like."  
  
"Uh huh. Me too. So, onward-Thataway!"  
  
They marched with a renewed purpose.  
  
--  
  
Collins and Joanne sat on a bench, legal pads and pens in hand.  
  
"Life café. That's a given. Mark's comfortable there, so that's one less thing for him to be nervous about."  
  
"Got it. Life café, check." Joanne made a note, then leaned back. "So how many places does that make?"  
  
"Counting Life café?" Collins looked at his notes. "One."  
  
"Oh well, hell."  
  
"Well, where else would you go on a date? A fancy restaurant?"  
  
"Mark's broke, remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah." Collins pinched the bridge of his nose, and thought. "How about.Central Park? Classic date spot."  
  
"Yeah, okay." Joanne penned it in. "Couldn't hurt. We need someplace romantic.Where do you and Angel go?"  
  
Collins looked up at the sky. "Everywhere. I guess.we go to the ice skating rink.but some of the smaller ones. The big ones are a pain in the ass, they're always crowded."  
  
"Okay. That's good. Small ice skating rink. What else?"  
  
"Picnics."  
  
"Picnic. Check. Okay, this is getting a little easier."  
  
"So where do you and Maureen go?"  
  
"Um, sex shops." Joanne looked sheepish. "Maureen's a vibrator fanatic."  
  
"That was a piece of information I didn't need to know," Collins grimaced.  
  
"Well, you asked."  
  
"Where else do you go?"  
  
"Not much else." Joanne shrugged. "We don't do a lot of 'dates,' persay."  
  
"I see."  
  
"Yeah. I'm envious of you and Angel, to be perfectly honest."  
  
"Envious?" Collins looked surprise, and amused. "I'd like to see you live with him!"  
  
"Is he really that bad?"  
  
"Oh, I'm crazy about him. Don't get me wrong. Love him to death. But he's just so." Collins gestured, unable to grasp a word, "he gets very excited when he gets an idea. It's like, he sinks his teeth into an idea and he won't let go. And, of course, I'm always dragged into it."  
  
"Maureen can be the same way."  
  
"He went on a feed the homeless kick last month. Every damn dollar he made he put towards the cause. You shoulda seen him, tromping around in those heels carrying box after box of food to the tent cities and things." Collins laughed. "He's a nutcase."  
  
"That's nice of him, at least."  
  
"Nice. A pain in the ass-homeless people can't go a single moment without food, of course. But Tom, oh, Tom can go a whole month on half a Cheerio he snuck from a box and tea!"  
  
"You're kidding."  
  
"No," Collins laughed, "I'm not." He tapped his pen on the legal pad.  
  
"Still love him, though." Joanne shook her head. "We always still love 'em. Even when they are nuts."  
  
"We are very sad people."  
  
"We're better off than Mark."  
  
"That is true."  
  
--  
  
"Wait. How are we even supposed to do this? I've never even seen this guy, and we're expected to pick out stuff for him to wear and everything?"  
  
"Not like you'll be much help," Lee threw a bundle of socks at Measha's head. "You're not exactly the model for perfect fashion sense."  
  
A beeper went off. Lee checked it quickly, and dug into his pocket. "AZT break," he mumbled.  
  
Measha bounced the sock like a hackey-sack. Lee took the medicine as discreetly as he could, before shoving the stuff back in his pocket and catching the sock midair.  
  
"Where's Sasha?"  
  
"He and Shelby went over to his work to see if they couldn't come up with something there."  
  
"Must be nice to have access to all that stuff."  
  
"Yeah. The perks of being a fashion photographer." Measha and Lee tossed the socks back and forth as they talked.  
  
"So.do you have the picture Angel gave us?"  
  
"Yhep," Measha held it up. A pale, blonde-haired man with glasses stood in the picture. He looked fairly uncomfortable. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. And sorely lacking in confidence.  
  
"So, here's our subject. Angel says he's medium height, which would put him about.an inch taller than you." Lee moved his hand over Measha's head. "Maybe two."  
  
"Are you making fun of my height?"  
  
"Why of course not."  
  
"Hey!" A short man with brightly-colored clothes approached them in quick angry steps. "You two! What are you doing?"  
  
"Looking." Measha looked the picture of innocense.  
  
"Why are you throwing my merchandise?"  
  
"Because it's ugly," Lee made a face and held up the socks. "They deserved to be thrown."  
  
"They wanted to be thrown. They just started screaming: 'I'm hideous! Throw me! I don't deserve to live!'" Measha clasped his hand to his forehead, throwing his head back and wailing.  
  
Several other storegoers turned to look at his display of melodrama.  
  
"If you two clowns are going to throw my stuff, then you're out." He pointed to the door.  
  
Lee made a clicking noise in the back of his mouth, and shook his head. "Fine. Don't believe us. Just don't blame me when nobody buys those socks because they're ugly."  
  
Measha stood back up. "Does that mean we're leaving."  
  
Lee shrugged. "Guess so."  
  
"Stupid faggots." The manager hissed unhappily under his breath.  
  
Measha couldn't resist it. "And what are you, lime-green-manager-sir? A lesbian?"  
  
The mad cackle that followed could be heard even after they left the store.  
  
--  
  
"You have the picture?"  
  
"Yhep.Aw! He looks like a puppy?"  
  
"Here, lemme see." Sasha made a face. "Not exactly what you'd call good looking, is he?"  
  
"I think he's cute." Shelby stuck out his tongue. "So there."  
  
"You keep sticking your tongue out at me, and I'm gonna tape it to the stove."  
  
"Sasha, if you wanna go S/M, you could just tell me."  
  
Sasha opened his mouth to reply, his intern, (who's name was Michael), seemingly popped out of nowhere. Sasha had noticed that he had a tendancy to do that.  
  
"Hey Sasha."  
  
"Hello Michael."  
  
"I thought you had off today."  
  
"I do. I need to look in the clothes room."  
  
"Really?" He followed him as they walked. "I got those papers done like you asked me. They're all filled out and ready to be sent."  
  
"Great. Put them on my desk."  
  
"Already done." Michael beamed, looking up at Sasha. His gaze fell on Shelby, then to Sasha's arm threaded around the boy's waist. "Who's that?"  
  
"Shelby, Michael. Michael, Shelby."  
  
"I'm his boyfriend," Shelby smiled and held out his hand. There wasn't a trace of smugness on him.  
  
"Oh." Michael nodded, and looked down. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend."  
  
"Now you do." Sasha pulled out a pair of keys to open the door to the clothing room. Shelby bounded in through the door, and Sasha turned to look at Michael. "Don't you have, like, paperwork to do, or something?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure."  
  
"Great."  
  
Sasha nodded, and joined Shelby in the room, closing the door behind him. Shelby hopped over to him, proudly displaying a pair of light blue leather pants.  
  
"Sasha, I think we should steal these, just for me."  
  
"Shelby, how about we come back later, when we don't have to help Angel, and then I let you go wild with your costume fetish." He pushed Shelby up against the wall, and kissed his neck. "Now, however, we have to find clothes for him."  
  
Shelby looked at the picture Sasha held up, then looked at Sasha, then looked down at the picture. "I think you're a spoil sport. And I think," he stuffed the blue leather pants in the dance bag he'd brought, "that I'm gonna wear these later and not let you play."  
  
--  
  
A.N.: I realize that I have included the beginnings of the escapades of each group, excluding Cor and Cal and Roger. They're in the next chapter, because they're kind of a special case AND my hands were getting tired and I wanted to post SOMETHING because I've been a bad chapter updater as of late. 


End file.
